Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
