I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
