I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
