Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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