the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
