I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
