I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
