My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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