mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
