There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
