I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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