oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
