I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize