so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
