Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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