I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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