Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
