I hope mine doesn't look like that
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
