youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
