Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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