Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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