is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize