May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
