Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
