I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
