I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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