Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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