it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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