when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
is wine microwaveable?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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