You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
