i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
