when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize