Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
