Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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