Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
