Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
