I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
