I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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