btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
