i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
