he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
