My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
