I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
