so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
