Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
