I bet he comes in French.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize