how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
