Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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