So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
