I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
