if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
