i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
