I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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