Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
