I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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