Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A+ Viking dick
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
