I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
