This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
