she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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