I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How external is "for external use only"?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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