oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
