So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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