I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize