I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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