u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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