He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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