I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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