i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
