"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
