Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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